Cannibalism

I refuse radio. The DJs are boring and insipid, the ads are annoying and stupid and this newfangled shit the kids nowadays call “pop music” makes me want to hurl. And I got no satellite TV. Which means my celerity gossip filter is pretty good, only the really freaky, sneaky and bizarre stories get through. You know, usually stuff involving gerbils, abortions, Michael Jackson, Madonna and Tom Cruise. Tom Cruise, who apparently wants to eat his teenage bride’s afterbirth.

Now I’m no expert on Tom, nor do I know much about Scientology other than that they worship a turd shaped space rock called Fabio, but the Media claims that he and Katie Holmes have been arguing. Apparently the church dictates that births are to be au natural whereas she has ideas involving a hospital and a doctor and other so-called “modern” conveniences. But that’s not all. Now I hear that he wants to eat the placenta. Katie’s afterbirth.

On the one hand, in the nature, most animals eat the afterbirth. Except, in the nature, it’s the mother who does the eating. She eats the placenta to keep her strength up during the feedings, as well as to get rid of the smell of blood, which could draw predators to her and her offspring.

On the other hand, what kind of perverted, sick, ritualistic shit is that anyway? What the fucking freak fuck? I don’t give a devil-worshiping rats-ass what the fuck he does when he’s at home, but he mustn’t go making that sick, twisted shit part of my world. His new movie, Mission Impossible 3 (yawn) opens here this weekend and the poster (featuring his famous face) is on every street pole in the city. And every time I see one I think of him eating Katie Holmes’s placenta and it just about makes me vomit on my crotch.

I wonder if he’ll cook it?